


What About Me?

by thepilot



Category: Rogue One: A Star Wars Story (2016)
Genre: Bassian, Getting Together, Hoth, M/M, POV Cassian Andor, Post-Rogue One, Pre-Relationship, angst? but more frustration, sniperpilot
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-08-11
Updated: 2017-09-18
Packaged: 2018-12-14 00:02:05
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 4
Words: 7,356
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11771232
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/thepilot/pseuds/thepilot
Summary: It was nearing dawn when Cassian first woke to the weeping, the noise slowly pulling him out of a sound sleep like the noise from an incessantly dripping faucet. He rubbed the sleep from his eyes, throwing his scratchy blankets off as his wool covered feet sought slippers. He shivered in the cold, blindly grabbing a jacket as he headed for the door to his room, bumping his knee on the edge of his bed as his hands groped in front,  shivering and unsteady, as he sought the button to slide his door open.





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> I basically know where this is going, but I'm not sure what my intent will be. For now it's Cassian thinking he's being left out of the loop. He's wrong. He's very, very wrong.

It was nearing dawn when Cassian first woke to the weeping, the noise slowly pulling him out of a sound sleep like the noise from an incessantly dripping faucet. He rubbed the sleep from his eyes, throwing his scratchy blankets off as his wool covered feet sought slippers. He shivered in the cold, blindly grabbing a jacket as he headed for the door to his room, bumping his knee on the edge of his bed as his hands groped in front, shivering and unsteady, as he sought the button to slide his door open.

He shivered in the cold, blindly grabbing a jacket as he headed for the door to his room, bumping his knee on the edge of his bed as his hands groped in front, shivering and unsteady, as he sought the button to slide his door open.

Tired feet moved mechanically beneath him into the frigid hallway as he sought the sound that had drawn him out of sleep, which had either stopped or decreased in volume. He walked down the hallway, stopping beside each door to listen. As he reached the door he knew led into Bodhi’s room, he paused, half expecting the pilot to be the one producing the noise, but as he pushed his ear against the door, it was met with silence. He sighed, relief washing over him as he realized it wasn’t the most traumatized member of his team.

Cassian contemplated returning to his room, when he heard a snuffing coming from the other end of the hallway. Jyn. He pulled his jacket closer as he approached her quarters. Stopping outside, he listened, and sure enough he could hear her weeping, mixed with sniffing and the hiccoughing that often accompanied tears. He paused before he held up and uncertain hand to the door, gently rapping with his knuckles.

“Hey…are you ok? I heard…wanted to make sure…” he tried to say as delicately as he could, fighting against his desire to be angry at the person who had drawn him from his sleep.

“Oh! Yes, I’m fine! Please go back to bed,” Jyn responded immediately, almost startled.

“I’m here, if you need to talk,” Cassian offered, secretly wishing he hadn’t. He really and truly did care, but this time of night? Well, it had been a long day.

“Thanks. I’ve got it,” Jyn said a little softer than the first time.

“Goodnight,” Cassian said as he shuffled away back to his room, hoping that just his presence had put Jyn at ease enough to sleep. As the door to his quarter slid open, he slumped in, shrugging off his jacket and tossing it on his desk as he shucked off his slippers and retreated beneath his blankets once more. Cassian looked at the time, and realized his alarm would be going off in just a few hours. He tossed and turned until he finally felt comfortable, his mind going over the day’s schedule over and over again until sleep consumed him once more.

\--------

The morning found Cassian standing in line behind Bodhi, who was attempting to balance a cup of coffee with his tray as they waited in the mess hall line.

“Here,” Cassian said, taking the mug from Bodhi, who looked at him with frightened, blood shot eyes.

“N-no, it’s okay, you don’t have to,” Bodhi attempted, trying to take the mug back, as Cassian set it down at a table just a short distance away.

“One thing at a time. Your coffee will be fine while you get breakfast.”

Bodhi said nothing in response, and instead nodded as he began collecting breakfast items from the Rebel volunteers serving them. Cassian sometimes wondered what it would be like to give up his position and work in the cafeteria instead. He was an excellent cook, after all. Following down the line behind Bodhi, he walked behind him as he took his place at the table, gingerly sweeping his legs over the bench beside the table as he set his tray down in front of him. Cassian sat across from him, waving to Jyn as he noticed her enter the mess hall. She nodded and took up an empty tray, waiting in line behind everyone else.

“Trouble sleeping, or having a bad morning?” Cassian asked, looking over at Bodhi, who was tentatively sipping his coffee.

“Oh. Uh…trouble…just…bad. Morning,” Bodhi said, his thoughts clearly disjointed. Cassian was used to Bodhi’s disjointed sentences in the morning, something he imagined the trauma of the past few months had produced. Cassian leaned across the table to Bodhi, as he whispered.

“Was it Jyn? She woke me up.” Bodhi met Cassian’s gaze with alarm.

“She was crying,” Cassian continued. “I went to her room to check on her, but she seemed fine. I didn’t hear her after that, fell back asleep.” Cassian paused, thinking. “Your room is much further from Jyn’s, you wouldn’t have heard her. Nevermind.”

“N-no, I…sleep was…n-not good. Bad,” Bodhi stuttered. He resumed nursing his coffee, looking down at his mug.

“Well you should eat,” Cassian said between mouthfuls, pointing with his fork. Bodhi nodded. Jyn made her way over to the table, in much better spirits than Cassian had expected, but still heavy lidded. He hoped that his checking in on Jyn early that morning had assured her that she was not alone.

Cassian noticed Bodhi set down his cup gingerly as he began eating; Jyn had already cleared half her plate.

“I’ve got a meeting in about 15 minutes, but I can meet you for lunch,” Cassian said. Jyn jumped, realizing that Cassian was talking to her.

“Oh! Yes, sure. Bodhi, would you like to join us?” Bodhi said nothing as he ravaged his plate like he had just had food for the first time in months. “Bodhi?” Jyn asked again, pulling Bodhi from his mission to conquer his plate.

“Y-yeah, yeah. Lunch,” Bodhi said, not making contact with Jyn. Cassian watched him hastily set aside his fork as he nervously picked up his mug once more.

“Bodhi, how much coffee have you already had?” Jyn asked, half amused, watching Bodhi sip the last of the contents of his mug. Cassian just observed.  

“Just…a few. Two. Two cups.”

“So…this is your third cup?” Jyn asked. Bodhi nodded and Jyn chuckled politely.

“Just take it easy, you’re already shaking,” Jyn said in earnest as Bodhi picked up his fork once more to finish the remainder of his food.

“I should get going,” Cassian sighed, standing up with his empty tray. “Lunch?”

“Yes,” Jyn said with a nod. Bodhi nodded, too. Cassian dumped his tray at the collector and headed off for his first meeting.

Cassian was glad, for once, at a slower pace of life. After they’d all recovered from Scarif, his life had consisted of Intelligence Meetings, nothing more strenuous than adding input and analyzing situations Cassian was glad he was currently not a part of. His evenings had been devoted to reconstructing as much of Kay as he could, his recent backup only leading up to their departure for Scarif. He’d managed to sweet-talk a fellow officer set on a covert Imperial mission into getting him another KX chassis, but it was newer than Kay’s model, and he needed to upgrade before he could upload, as it were. Jyn had made herself busy talking to other Rebels, becoming a sort of councilor and advisor, something Cassian hadn’t expected but that made sense all the same. Cassian never saw Bodhi, so he wasn’t really sure what he got up to. He’d heard Bodhi mention once in passing that he was volunteering his time to repair work of any and all types, from computers to Rebel spacecraft. Bodhi was certainly a wonder.

Chirrut and Baze had separated from the group following their recovery, deciding their time would be best spent with the recovery efforts on what was left of Jedha. Bodhi had initially wanted to go with them, but ended up staying on Base. Cassian was surprised, because Bodhi had been so excited at the prospect in the beginning, but Cassian had secretly been glad he had stayed behind, even though he wasn’t sure why.

\--------

His meeting was long and uneventful, and he was only too happy to leave, his stomach growling as he navigated the frigid corridors to the mess hall.

When Bodhi neglected to show up for lunch, Cassian had decided to collect him a tray, hoping to find him. Bodhi was far too skinny for someone that could be having regular meals. Cassian found Bodhi at work beneath an X-Wing, welders goggles perched on his face as his gloved hands worked on the wiring above him. Not wanting to startle him, Cassian stood where he was, watching as Bodhi masterfully worked. His work overalls were filthy, and it wasn’t until Bodhi shifted that Cassian realized he was wearing his Imperial uniform.

Cassian cleared his throat before announcing himself, and Bodhi froze.

“I brought you lunch. You don’t eat enough,” Cassian said, walking closer to Bodhi and crouching down, placing the tray down next to Bodhi. Bodhi flipped the lenses of his goggles up as he righted himself to a sitting position, staring down at the food on the tray.

“I’m too skinny. I don’t eat enough,” Bodhi said in a monotone.

“No, you’re not too skinny, I never said that. I just know you don’t eat enough. Or I never see you eat. You’re fine the way you are, don’t change,” Cassian said, trying to recover from what had apparently come out as an insult.

Bodhi nodded, but kept staring at the food. What had gotten in to him lately?

“I’ll see you later,” Cassian said, standing up, careful not to hit his head on the X-Wing.

\--------

Cassian bolted awake once more, this time to arguing. Two voices, male and female. Cassian decided to just leave the comforter around himself as he got out of bed, leaving his slippers behind as he headed out into the hallway. This time he could tell the noise was coming from Bodhi’s room this time, and he wasn’t at all surprised to hear Jyn’s voice. Cassian couldn’t tell what they were bickering about, but he wished they’d stop. He paused before reaching Bodhi’s door, a thought occurring to him. Was Bodhi involved with Jyn? Had they had a disagreement? Was that why they had gone from peace and quiet to two nights in a row of keeping Cassian up? He scrunched his eyes up, hoping that wasn’t the reason. They’d all been through so much, and they all deserved happiness. Cassian was trying so hard to keep them busy and happy. He gulped, feeling his throat tighten as a hand emerged from his cocoon of comforter, rapping on the door.

“Everything alright in there?” Cassian asked softly but concerned.

Silence suddenly seemed to fall between Bodhi and Jyn.

“We’re fine. Go back to bed, Cassian,” Jyn snapped back. Suddenly, the door slid opened, startling Cassian, as Jyn dragged Bodhi along behind her, who looked tired and spent.

“Where are you going?” Cassian asked as she started leading Bodhi down the corridor.

“T-talking. S-sorry, didn’t…didn’t realize we were g-getting loud. Sorry,” Bodhi stammered, blushing as he looked at Cassian. So they’d been sleeping together and were getting fresh, was what Cassian deduced. That explained it. The lump in his throat seemed to grow to the size of a boulder as he watched them hurry down the hallway, Cassian noting that Bodhi didn’t even have socks on. His feet must be so cold. Cassian watched them disappear and slunk back into his own room, heavily sitting down on his bed. He felt a tear slide down his cheek as he thought of his two friends, his two best friends, in a relationship they were keeping secret. Cassian resolved to finish Kay as soon as he could.

Neither Jyn nor Bodhi showed up to breakfast that morning, and Cassian was relieved. He had his afternoon free, and he was only too anxious to get through his morning meetings so that he could work on Kay. It wasn’t until he heard a noise at the door to the small workshop Cassian had been working in that he looked up at the small clock perched on his work bench, realizing it was well into the night and nearly morning. Cassian set down his tools and work goggles to turn to the doorway, shocked to find Bodhi standing silhouetted in the doorway, looking just as shocked as Cassian.

“S-sorry, I didn’t know you’d be here. I was…I was looking for a um…never mind,” Bodhi said, turning from the room. Cassian bolted up from his stool, rushing to the doorway.  
  
“No, no, whatever you need. This isn’t my private collection, you can take whatever you need. I’m just working on Kay.”

Bodhi moved back towards the room and looked behind Cassian’s shoulder where all of the pieces of Kay were strewn about.

“Do you…do you need h-help? I know…I know quite about the KX models. N-not the new ones, but…Never mind. I’ll leave you alone now,” Bodhi said, making his way to leave once more.

“No! Stay! I could…you can help if you aren’t busy,” Cassian said, gesturing his hand for Bodhi to enter the room once more.

They worked until dawn, Cassian quickly realizing he should’ve asked Bodhi to help him sooner. He’d relaxed considerably once his attention was focused on their work, and Cassian marveled at how much Bodhi knew. About everything. And he and Jyn were…No, he couldn’t think of that. That was private.


	2. Chapter 2

As Bodhi and Cassian departed, Cassian noticed Bodhi immediately shift back into his stuttering, flustered self, hurriedly making his way in the opposite direction of Cassian. There was only enough time for Cassian to shower, grab breakfast, and head to his first meeting. He felt foolish for neglecting the time, but he was glad it had been shared in good company. Bodhi had talked excitedly about anything and everything, it seemed, and Cassian had listened intently.

Cassian wasn’t sure what had caused Bodhi’s mannerisms to flip so dramatically this past week. He’d been energetic and fluid with everything he had said each time Cassian had seen him, and it was heart breaking to see him revert back to such an agitated state. Maybe it was Jyn? Cassian had never known the luxury of what he guessed would be considered a relationship, but he’d witnessed others fall victim to them.

Without warning, a wave of sadness mingled with pride washed over Cassian as he thought of how fortunate his friends were to have found one another. Unfortunately, this was a constant thought gnawing at his sleep-deprived brain as he maneuvered his way through the morning. Bidding his fellow officers goodbye, he headed for his quarters. As luck would have it, Cassian had managed to forget that today was a half-day for him, with the next day being a day off. He resigned himself to sleeping the afternoon away, hoping he’d get a chance to work on Kay again with Bodhi that next day.

When Cassian finally woke up, it was early evening, the faint scents from the mess hall carrying through the heating ducts into his otherwise odorless quarter. This evening was particularly cold, and he threw on extra layers as he waddled out into the hall, the extra padding making it more difficult to maneuver. He decided to check on Bodhi and make sure he was alright: it had been a long night. He tapped at his door but received no response. After gently calling his name, he felt satisfied that Bodhi was asleep.

Cassian ate dinner in the mess alone, nodding to the various personnel of the base as they met gazes. Piling his napkin onto his empty plate, Cassian almost slammed into Jyn as he stood up. She met Cassian’s gaze with frantic eyes.

“Have you seen Bodhi? He’s been gone since last night. We were supposed to…he hasn’t been around and no one has seen him,” Jyn said, panic surfacing in her eyes. Cassian shook his head.

“We worked on Kay all last night, but I haven’t seen him since this morning. I’ll help you find him,” Cassian said, his words struggling to form around a significant lump in his throat.

Jyn and Cassian searched for almost an hour, winding their way through the base, asking anyone they met if they had seen Bodhi, but no one had.

Cassian was starting to panic. What if he wandered out into the snow? Bodhi seemed troubled as of late, and the sickening thought seemed plausible. He always under-dressed, there was no chance he’d survive even ten minutes before collapsing. Cassian decided to gather up any and all tracking gear he could, leading Jyn to the work room that had little lamps and lights stored here and there.

“I’m not so certain I wish to remain fully functional if I am only serving as a cog in some great scheme you have planned out for yourself, Bodhi Rook,” a lofty voice rang out from the room. Jyn wordlessly grabbed Cassian’s hand as Cassian’s jaw fell somewhere on the cold floor beneath them. They crept closer to the door, both uncertain and anxious with gigantic grins spread across their faces.

“No, no, that’s not it. I didn’t explain right. I can’t take it back, please don’t say anything…I shouldn’t have said anything,” Bodhi groaned.

“Well I’ll say something!” Cassian beamed as he stepped to the doorway with Jyn in tow, squeezing her hand tight as his eyes met two glowing orbs. Cassian laughed and broke his hold on Jyn, gesturing wildly at the restored droid in front of him.

“How did this happen? I thought at least another week!” Cassian exclaimed, fighting the urge to hug Kay.

“I um…I didn’t…I worked on him t-today…” Bodhi mumbled, rubbing his thumbs over the welders goggles he held in his hands. He looked embarrassed, staring down at his hands, but Cassian was elated and flung himself around Bodhi. Cassian hoped the tears that he knew were welling up in his eyes would fall on Bodhi’s shoulder, disguised.

“Thank you. You don’t know what this means-what you’ve done for me,” Cassian whispered in Bodhi’s ear. He felt Bodhi wince beneath the embrace: Bodhi was still holding his goggles in front, and Cassian realized they were painfully being pushed into Bodhi’s hands and chest, but Cassian hadn’t noticed through his layers. He let go of Bodhi, opting to smack Kay’s shoulder playfully. Cassian was only mildly aware that Jyn was now embracing Bodhi and whispering to him; Cassian was too excited to devote any thought to it now.

“How far back are you? What do you know?” Cassian asked, grinning from ear to ear.

“I am a former Imperial KX-series security droid who was reprogrammed by the Alliance to Restore the Republic,” Kay said mechanically. So he wasn’t entirely fixed. Cassian felt his stomach drop.

“But I am up to date on all affairs here on Hoth, if that’s what you’re asking.” He was definitely the K-2SO Cassian knew. “I am already linked into the computer system, and I can tell you that they’re cheating you out on heat today: it is only running at 56% capacity, but it should be running at least, at _least_ 63%. There are no system malfunctions.” Cassian wasn’t sure if his face could withstand the severity of the grin spread across his face. Jyn was now rubbing Bodhi’s shoulders, more than apparently trying to warm him up now. Kay seemed to notice the same time Cassian did.

“That will only exhaust you and cause you to lose your own body heat, Jyn Erso. Bodhi Rook needs warm liquids and adequate clothing,” Kay said plainly. Jyn scowled at Kay, but she was grinning, too.

“I’ll take Bodhi for some left-over dinner. You two can catch up,” Jyn said, starting to lead Bodhi from the room with an arm around his shoulder. Kay took a few steps forward.

“I am regrettably in your debt, Bodhi Rook. I don’t desire to make it up to you, but I will oblige with any request. Within reason.” Cassian couldn’t help but feel that there was something else behind Kay’s words.

“It’s…it’s nothing. Thanks Kay. I mean, you’re welcome. You didn’t say ‘thank you’…Never mind.” Bodhi was tripping on his own words again, and looked at Cassian desperately before Jyn led him into the hallway. Bodhi looked like a breath would knock him over. Cassian felt the lump in his throat again, but was able to choke it down for another time. Bodhi would be getting food and rest, and Cassian had some catching up to do, after all.

Cassian talked to Kay for more than three hours, telling him anything and everything that came to his mind. It seemed that Bodhi had done an adequate job of informing Kay of all that had happened, and he still felt a pang course through his body when he thought of what Bodhi had done for him in finishing the work on Kay.

“It is nearing the time I have known you to go to sleep, and I wish to make myself known to any of the other droids that are in this facility, and I wish to address the heat levels in this facility. They are not running at proper efficiency and I worry for Bodhi Rook’s safety. He is preoccupied and unable to adequately care for himself,” Kay said in his usual self-righteous tone. Cassian realized that Kay really had developed some sort of allegiance to Bodhi for his restorative efforts, but he felt the all too familiar lump rise as he thought of Bodhi shivering. He pushed it away: Jyn was taking care of him right now.

“Alright, alright, I’ll go to bed. Just don’t cause trouble?” Cassian said, beaming up at the two orbs that made up Kay’s mechanical eyes.

“Captain Cassian Andor, I am shocked and appalled at such a remark. When have I ever gotten into trouble?”

Cassian laughed, leaving Kay to wander about the base.

“I’ll see you in the morning!” Cassian called after Kay. He chuckled as he heard Kay mumble something along the lines of “can’t wait.”

Now that Kay was restored, Cassian had thought sleep would come easier, but he was fitful and anxious, his mind speeding through every dark thought he had been trying to push from his mind during this past week. He was almost relieved when he heard the familiar weeping that had woken him up several nights ago: it provided not only a distraction, but he might even find the answers to the questions that were paining him. Scoping out the hallway, he realized that the sound had carried from the vent above him, and not from any of the rooms. He forced his feet beneath him to carry him to the elevator that led to the rooms above his. Cassian had never really applied much thought to what room was directly above his, but as he maneuvered the frigid hallway, he realized it was one of the smaller meeting rooms that wasn’t normally occupied.

As Cassian approached the door, he heard the crying abruptly stop, as if someone had cut all power to the source. Trembling, or shivering, or a combination of both, Cassian stepped into the room, seeking the lights. As they flickered on, he was shocked at what he saw. Or didn’t see. There was no one in the room. A chill ran up Cassian’s spine, and this time he knew it wasn’t from the cold.   


“Hello?” he called to the empty room. Nothing. He paced around, the small room, catching his comforter on a chair. As he tugged it free, he saw a shadow out of the corner of his eye streak through the doorway. As he chased it from the room into the hallway, he was not at all surprised to see that the figure was long gone.

Could it have been Jyn again? She seemed in better spirits lately, but her counseling had to have its effects every now and then. Was there just too much tension between her and Bodhi? They always seemed so close but awkward to Cassian: perhaps that was because they were keeping everything secret. Cassian really wished they would open up to him. Why were they excluding him?

Cassian met no other person on his way back to his room, and began to wonder if his mind was playing tricks on him. After everything he’d seen and done in his life, it was highly likely.


	3. Chapter 3

When Cassian woke to the weeping this time, it was his own. He pushed a palm to his eye, as if the pressure would force the tears back in. It had been nearly three weeks since he’d heard the news that Bodhi was gone.

Cassian had found Jyn eating dinner alone in the mess hall, completely detached.

“Bodhi’s gone,” she’d said, clearly not wanting to make eye-contact with Cassian. Cassian had frozen in his steps, emotions gnawing at his stomach and lacerating his heart.

“What do you mean he’s ‘gone?’” Cassian had asked, finding his tongue lethargic and uncooperative.

“Left. They needed someone to run a cargo shuttle for supplies, and Bodhi was volunteered. Not sure when he’ll be back, but he’s not alone. A few younger recruits went with him. Maybe three.”

Cassian had felt some relief at that news, but not much.

“Why didn’t he tell me?” Cassian blurted out. As soon as the words had left his mouth, he’d realized he’d sounded much more invested in Bodhi than he was sure Jyn knew him to be.

“He didn’t think you’d care. You have Kay now,” Jyn had said with a shrug.

“But I don’t have _him_!” Cassian had barked, frenzied, frustrated, and confused. He’d left the mess hall clenching his fists and choking back inconvenient tears. He had always kept his emotions in check, something he was proud of, but with the news of Bodhi’s sudden departure, he had erupted. Shuttle runs were often quick and uneventful, but once in a while, they were deadly.

So Cassian had fled to his room, sinking onto his desolate mattress as every single thought he’d been concealing and suppressing surfaced. They surfaced slowly then rapidly in an unfair tangle of anger, fear, longing, pain, sadness, frustration and sudden understanding. It was like the sands hiding a great object that had been covered over, only needing the winds to blow in the correct direction to expose them.

As Cassian had managed to cease his tears and hiccupped breathing, he’d walked the base for hours that same night, finding himself in every place he’d known Bodhi to visit, or every place Cassian had hoped he’d miraculously find Bodhi. When Cassian couldn’t walk anymore and sleep was hindering his steps as if he were wearing leaden shoes, he’d used his rank to open the door to Bodhi’s room. He’d known it was wrong and intrusive and invasive, but he’d suddenly found himself in Bodhi’s room. When morning came with a beep at his wrist, he’d found himself tangled in Bodhi’s sheets, no recollection as to how he’d ended up in his bed.

Cassian had made it through that next day and the ones that followed like a dead man walking, nodding wordlessly and grunting responses, but it was not unlike Cassian to sometimes behave like this, and so no one had bothered him.

Furious that Jyn had not alerted Bodhi’s departure to Cassian immediately (or was it more?), he’d re-planned his routes to avoid her, and on the rare occasion that they did meet, Cassian had been sure to display his displeasure in the sourest expression someone who always looked sour could muster. Slowly, it had seemed to Cassian that Jyn had actually wanted to talk, and had opened her mouth as if she’d wanted to say something, but Cassian had always managed to find himself several paces beyond her before she had been able to.

Then there was Kay.

Initially, Cassian had been all too anxious for his company, and had even assisted Kay and the other volunteer maintenance workers in an effort to divert his attention, and to bring what little joy they could to the Base in the form of less blankets and parkas. They had managed to get the heating to work up to what was clearly Kay’s, and not the Base’s, standards. Though much warmer and certainly more comfortable, Cassian’s distractions had only been temporary, and Kay had immediately started in on Cassian. Kay had never said anything in particular that distressed him, but it was his constant presence that began to wear on his nerves. It had seemed that no matter how hard Cassian had tried to avoid Kay, he had been redoubling his efforts to find Cassian. Cassian, full of guilt, had eventually managed success in his avoidance efforts by sleeping and spending down time in Bodhi’s room.

After more than a week had passed of thwarting Kay’s attempts at conversation, Cassian, hoping he’d see Bodhi’s shuttle pulling in, had discovered Kay in the hangar. Or rather, Kay had discovered _him_ ; Kay had been directing orders to a new recruit he was not exactly authorized to, and had abandoned his lecture the instant it seemed he could distinguish Cassian’s footsteps from the ever present shuffle in the hangar.

Cassian had made a feeble attempt at leaving, but Kay was towering over him in just a few short strides. Kay had started evaluating Cassian instantaneously, and was quick to give his observations.

“If I had known you would develop emotions while I lay dormant, I would have recommended you to accompany Bodhi on the shuttle run,” Kay had said with apathy, staring down at Cassian.

“What?” Cassian had managed through gritted teeth.

“You have been acting more like a child than I have normally known you to behave. Perhaps you should have-“

“You’re the reason why Bodhi left?” Cassian had said, cutting Kay off and staring up into his glowing eyes with a fire. Kay had paused, seeming as if he had been evaluating Cassian and processing information, then continued.

“Yes. I was going to volunteer myself, but he showed up at an opportune moment. I calculated that his efforts would be better spent off-Base to optimize his function.” A pause. “You’re welcome,” Kay had said as he had turned to return to the task he’d created for himself; Cassian had been left in a daze.

Now, as Cassian raised a corner of Bodhi’s bed sheet to wipe his eyes, he inhaled what little was left of Bodhi’s scent since Cassian had started occupying his room. Carefully making the bed to eliminate any evidence of his forbidden presence (the way he did every morning), Cassian trudged off back to his own room to change clothing and prepare for the day ahead.

\--------

Each labored step brought Cassian closer to the hangar, where he could hear more fuss and commotion than usual. There, standing amidst a ring of pilots and crewman, stood a radiant Bodhi Rook, looking ruffled but grinning from ear to ear. Cassian was quick to note the cargo shuttle they had taken and each dent, hole and mark that had been etched into the side of the shuttle, leaving traces of what had clearly been a difficult struggle.

“I’ve never heard of so many pirates teaming up before! There were 7 different ships! And Lieutenant Rook took them all on! He led them on a chase, and we all thought we were done for when they started blasting, that’s when we radioed in, but Lieutenant Rook was so clever! We were able to lose them the first time by dipping into an asteroid belt and cutting power. It lasted for hours, but one by one, we lost them. I’ve never seen anyone pilot like that before!” an excited young Rebel exclaimed, clapping Bodhi on the back. Cassian could only surmise it was one of the recruits that had been assigned to accompany Bodhi. As Cassian scanned the small gathering, he picked out the others, also a bit disheveled, but flushed with excitement as they beamed at Bodhi.

“When they radioed in yesterday, we were pretty sure they were done for,” Jyn suddenly said, appearing beside Cassian.

Cassian felt heat begin to rise. “They radioed yesterday? Why wasn’t I informed? You didn’t come to tell me immediately?” Cassian shot at Jyn, nearly shouting. Jyn had recoiled, looking embarrassed.

“We…we tried to, Cassian. But we couldn’t find you. No one’s seen you past your regular meetings these past few weeks…Kay and I went door to door, and we tried your com, but you didn’t respond…”

“Oh,” was all the Cassian could manage at first. He felt foolish. He’d been so distressed about Bodhi’s absence, he’d missed the most important communication from Bodhi since his departure.

“You should probably go see him, then. You’re probably anxious,” Cassian said, turning his gaze from Jyn to Bodhi.

Jyn gave a small smile and walked away from Cassian, pushing through the small throng to embrace Bodhi in a desperate hug. She whispered in his ear, and Cassian felt his cheeks flush as both Bodhi and Jyn looked in his direction. Cassian looked down at his boots for a time, finally turning and leaving the hangar. Cassian nearly fell on his back as he collided with Kay.

“Bodhi has returned. I am on my way to assess the damage sustained by the ship and evaluate the cargo,” Kay said with an air of frankness. He paused, his glowing eyes scanning Cassian.

“I’m recommending you for the next cargo transport. You’re more depressing than a storm trooper trying to actually hit a target.”

Kay stalked away, turning once to glance back at Cassian. Cassian swallowed hard as he resolved to make it through the rest of his day as calm as he could.

As Cassian entered the debriefing he was assigned to this morning, he felt his stomach drop: this was Bodhi’s debriefing. He entered the room, the first to arrive, quickly seeking out the most remote part of the room, hoping to remain hidden. Cassian acknowledged each subsequent person that entered the room with little more than a nod, pretending to be engaged with whatever he was pretending to look at on his holopad. The minutes ticked on, and it wasn’t long before an excited chatter emanated from the hallway.

Bodhi’s small crew entered the room flanking him on either side. Cassian was trying to pin point the last time he had seen Bodhi so relaxed and happy, when their eyes met briefly. Bodhi seemed to instantly shrink in on himself, shoving his hands in the pockets of his flight suit and looking down.

When the debriefing finally ended, Cassian felt like he was about to collapse. He’d found himself torn between looking at Bodhi and listening to him recount their journey, and looking at the floor. Bodhi had regained his enthusiasm as he elaborated on their cargo run, and Cassian hung on his every word while feigning disinterest. It seemed that they had truly evaded death, and Bodhi was humble in admitting all he had done for his crew and the cargo transport. Cassian was the last to leave the room, and followed everyone else out in the hallway, staying a few paces behind.

Cassian politely declined an invitation to dine with everyone, and he’d met Bodhi’s dark eyes one last time as he headed back to his room. It took several attempts for Cassian to realize he’d been entering the master code for Bodhi’s room in the key pad for his own room before he finally entered the correct one. Cassian couldn’t stop thinking about how radiant Bodhi had looked when he was recounting each moment of their journey.

He sunk down into his own bed and put his head in his hands, feeling as though he’d been left out yet again.


	4. Chapter 4

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> When I started this fic, I had no clue where I was going with it, so I stopped writing. Finally, after many weeks, inspiration struck and I was able to finish this up.  
> Please note: I didn't want to bother assigning a specific General to this story. Everything is wibbly-wobbly timey-wimey when it comes to these survival AU's, and I thought it would be easier this way.

“I wish to be transferred to another base,” Cassian said flatly, nervously rubbing his hands over his knees.

The General raised an eyebrow.

“You don’t want to stay here with the rest of your crew? Or do you all want to be transferred?”

“No. Just me. And Kay. And…” Cassian paused. Bodhi had done it to him, hadn’t he? “I don’t want any of them to know I’m going.”

“You’re certain?”

Cassian nodded.

“How soon?”

“Soon. As soon as possible.” Cassian tried not to sound desperate, but he wasn’t sure it was working.

The General sighed heavily, leaning back in his chair. “We are exploring the possibility of moving to another base, and we could use a few more soldiers there. You’re absolutely certain?”

Cassian nodded once more. The general stood, and Cassian followed suit.

“Alright, I’ll make the arrangements and prepare a ship for you. We should be able to have you outbound by late tonight, if that’s really what you want.”

“It is.”

“And you’ll tell your droid?”

“Not until the last minute. He isn’t the best at keeping his mouth shut.”

The General grinned. “We’ve noticed. You’ll be a big loss to us here, Andor, but I wish you luck.”

“Thank you,” Cassian said, shaking hands with the General.

Cassian felt a thick lump rising in his throat as he left the General’s office. He didn’t make much eye contact with anyone he passed on the way to his room, and he was thankful that Jyn and Bodhi seemed to be off somewhere else.

It wasn’t long before Cassian was packed, his few possessions hastily stuffed in a few bags. He’d decided to stay in his room the whole day, not wanting to face any awkward conversations he’d surely be forced into if they asked him how he was. Depression was not like Cassian. Regret, possibly, but never depression.

As the hours crept on, Cassian dozed in and out of sleep, images of Bodhi floating through his dreams. He woke with a start to a rapping on his door, and knew it was time. He collected up his few bags, and pushed open the button. The General stood before him.

“We prepared a U-Wing for you, and your droid was just hovering near it. He doesn’t know that it was prepped for you, and he should still be there.”

“Great, thanks,” Cassian nodded. The General walked him in silence to the hangar. Sure enough, Kay was hovering outside the U-Wing, which was moved towards the run way. The chill of Hoth was more than prevalent this evening.

“I’ll have coordinates sent to you once you’re in the air. I do wish you the best of luck.”

“Thank you, once again, General.”

“My pleasure, Andor.”

As Cassian made his way to the U-Wing, Kay was immediately on him.

“Where have you been all day? I’ve been forced to babysit Bodhi. He’s boring. He only wanted to work. But he’s done and I made him take a nap. He doesn’t sleep. I made sure he took one of your sleeping pills. I haven’t seen him since.”

Cassian’s eyes went side.

“Kay!”

“They’re the children’s dose. Is that what you called them? The children’s dose. He’ll still be out for several hours.” Kay paused. “Where are you going? Why do you have bags?”

“We’re leaving. I’ve been assigned to another base.”

“Good. No one listens to me here.” Kay followed Cassian up the ramp of the ship. Cassian dropped his bags beneath a pile of blankets on a bench as Kay obediently took up his usual spot in the co-pilot’s chair. It had been a long time since Cassian had flown with his droid, and he was glad to be with him once more. Just Cassian and K-2SO. Maybe that’s how it was always meant to be.

As the ship plunged into hyperspace, Cassian decided to get some real sleep. He handed controls over to Kay, and pulled at the blankets on the bench. But they were stuck on something. Someone.

“B-bodhi?” Cassian asked, uncovering his sleeping form. He knelt in front, gently shaking him awake.

“Wha-what?” Bodhi whispered, his eyes blinking at Cassian, who couldn’t help but smile, even though Bodhi was the precise reason he’d decided to leave. Bodhi’s eyes scanned Cassian, and then the flashing lights of the stars they rapidly passed in hyperdrive.

“Bodhi, when I told you to take a nap, I did not think you’d be dumb enough to fall asleep on the craft you were repairing for flight. Clearly, I was mistaken.”

Cassian ignored K-2 as he found himself getting lost in Bodhi's eyes.

“You got the ship ready for me?”

“I-I didn’t know it was for you. The General was looking for a ship to send someone out on in a hurry, and I told him I’d get this one ready. I wanted something to take my mind off of…”

“Thank you, Bodhi,” Cassian said sincerely.

“You…you weren’t going to tell…you weren’t going to say goodbye?” Bodhi managed to ask with much difficulty.

This was the talk Cassian was running away from. This was everything Cassian had been trying to avoid. He sat beside Bodhi, staring off in front of him. He swallowed hard, and hoped he’d find the courage to say everything he need to.

“When you left on that cargo run a few weeks ago, I was furious. Frustrated.”

“I’m sorry, I just-“ Bodhi interrupted.

“No, let me finish. I realized that…every time I knew you were with Jyn it…” Cassian swallowed hard again. “It broke my heart, Bodhi. I don’t know when I started having feelings for you, but I…I know you and Jyn fight and make up a lot, and it was breaking my heart. She was always upset, crying everywhere. It’s not like Jyn. Or at least I thought she wasn’t like that. With her taking up a counseling position I thought she’d be better equipped to handle emotions.”

Bodhi was silent for a moment. “It wasn’t Jyn that was always crying. It was me. I didn’t want you to hear me, and you almost caught me that one time. Jyn was just covering for me.”

“But why were you crying?”

Bodhi turned his head to meet Cassian’s eyes, and wormed a hand out from his blanket to take up one of Cassian’s hands.

“I like you too, Cassian. I don’t know when it happened, but it just did. So I started talking to Jyn about it. First it was formal: I'd see her in her office and I didn't give her a name. But she figured it out, and she became a constant source of comfort. She wanted me to just talk to you, but I was too scared. I…I thought you hated me…You make me stutter again. I feel like I'm back to being a nobody, someone who's not worthy of being a part of your crew. Certainly not someone worthy of your affections.”

“Hated you? Bodhi Rook how could I hate you? I love you.” Cassian couldn’t stop the words as they flowed out.

“You…you do?” Bodhi’s grip on Cassian’s hand tightened as his eyes widened.

“Yeah, I really do,” Cassian said, smiling.

“Me-me too. I mean, I love you. I love you, too,” Bodhi said, a blush creeping across his cheeks.

Cassian placed a finger under Bodhi’s chin, drawing his face closer and closer until their lips met. Finally breaking contact, their foreheads met, mouths spread in grins as their hands caressed each other’s faces.

"S-so, what about me? I guess I'm going with you?"

"I wouldn't want it any other way. It was meant to be. The Force or something like that."

“There is no where I can go on this ship. Please shut me down, Cassian. I don’t wish to remain operational during this flight.

“Shut up, Kay,” Cassian said as he drew Bodhi in for another kiss.

 


End file.
